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Amanda is a social worker, employed by Childline.
She has recently started a support group for the
mothers of children who have been sexually abused.
‘I joined Childline in October 2004. At first,
most of my work involved working on an individual
basis with children who had been sexually abused.
The more of this sort of work I did, the more
I realised how closely the family dynamic is interwoven
into the healing process. Not only do the children
who have been abused need assistance, their families
do too.
‘We work in communities where there are families
in need – poverty, violence, inadequate housing,
these are everyday facts of life. Many of the
women who raise families are single parents. The
moms who brought their children in to us were
in great need of support, hence the formation
of this group.
‘The first support group, of five stay-at-home
mothers, started in May 2005. They met weekly,
for two hours over a period of 10 – 12 weeks.
Mothers in the group came from a range of backgrounds,
and of the first group, only one of the mothers
was married. One was in an abusive relationship,
and one was not a mother, but a rape survivor
who had fallen pregnant after being raped. She
lived alone with her parents and felt very isolated.
She joined the group to find a way of communicating
with people about her situation and was made welcome.
‘The sessions are structured, very similar to
LifeLine’s personal growth programme. For example,
in one of the sessions, the moms made collages,
looked at their lives, their strengths, their
growth points, their weaknesses. Input is followed
by discussion, where moms compare their situations,
talking about what it means to be a mother, what
it is like to be a single parent. We then break
for tea.
‘The women who attended this first group were,
at first, quite overwhelmed, by their situation,
about finding ways to cope. All of them found
attending the group to be a great experience and
the end results were good too. One mother who
was living in an abusive relationship has moved
out, and another, although she has not made a
final break, has become more assertive.
‘On 25 August, our second group met for the first
time. Here four women attended, once again, all
of them stay-at-home moms.
Children must be protected
not because they are innocent but because they
are powerless.
Mason Cooley (b. 1927), U.S.
aphorist.
‘Mothers share. They tell their stories. They
realise, through hearing other people’s stories,
that they are not alone. They share common feelings
– one of the most primary being – if only. If
only I had known, if only I had seen, if only
I had been more aware. Many of them say, at the
beginning, in virtual despair, if only it had
happened to me, and not to my child. They express
feelings of guilt, of frustration, of anger, of
powerlessness – all of which need to be expressed.
And it’s good to say things aloud, to hear others
say similar things. In the early sessions, we
work though these feelings so that they learn
that they are not at fault, it is the abuser,
the perpetrator who is. At the same time, we look
at their children, and they take comfort from
their children’s healing process. Mothers help
each other, to mourn their children’s loss of
innocence.
‘After we have explored ‘who I am’, and have
looked at other issues related to abuse, we then
turn to more practical topics. We discuss what
they as parents need for themselves.– looking
at income, at how to try to break free of the
cycle of poverty, how to generate income, how
to budget.
‘Moms work towards healing in a supportive, encouraging
environment where they learn that if they are
not able to look after themselves, they are in
no state to look after anyone else. They need
energy to cope with what has happened to their
children, and they need compassion, not only because
of what has happened to their children, but because
of how their own lives have been damaged.
‘There has been incredibly positive response
to this programme, to the extent that children
even remind their mothers to go to group. Mothers
have commented on how what they have learned and
experienced in the group sessions has influenced
the way in which they function at home. They share
stories of their successes and failures. They
talk about how they deal with their families and
their extended families, how they sometimes have
to battle for their children. They share their
experiences of how their families have turned
against them for exposing them. They discuss dealing
with their children’s anger, or mood changes What
comes through strongly is how important it is
that their children know they care, and even more,
care enough to attend these support groups.
To nourish children and raise them against odds
is in any
time, any place, more valuable than to fix bolts
in cars or design nuclear weapons.
Marilyn French (20th century), U.S. author.
‘The support group serves another function -
it’s a way of engaging the parent, of making them
how aware of how important the counselling process
is for them and their children. Many people are
battling with the stresses of daily life, thoughts
of how to get by from one day to the next are
uppermost in their minds. They see counselling
as a luxury – and so they don’t necessarily bring
their children for counselling unless the child
is exhibiting extreme signs of distress, or acting
out. The support group takes a serious look at
the role of the parent, the role of the caregiver.
‘The mothers of these two groups have children
ranging in age from 5 – 11. My colleague sees
a group of teenage girls who have been abused
and their mothers have become part of a support
group as well.
Family is the first school for young children,
and parents are powerful models.
Alice Sterling Honig (20th century), child development
specialist.
‘Many moms find it hard to end their involvement
with the group and with LifeLine/Childline Western
Cape, and we are not in a hurry for them to do
so. It’s good to see them when they pop in – good
to be able to check on their status and that of
their children. During December we have plans
for both groups to do something together, along
with their children. A great spin-off has been
the support that moms are giving each other outside
the group. They phone each other, they’ve formed
an informal support network.
‘These two groups have been very much pilot groups.
As the idea becomes better known I know we will
have many more mothers wishing to join. We’re
advertising the support group too. At present,
we can only run the groups for moms who stay at
home – it’s too difficult for working moms to
get to a support group, and it is difficult for
us right now to run a group after hours. We operate
from the day hospital, and this closes at 4.30.
Also, of course, the parents who would like to
join such a group come from far afield, from Elsie’s
River, Delft, and transport is a problem. However,
it’s essential to provide this sort of support
for working parents.
‘I have been really happy with the results of
the first two support groups. I can only envisage
this going from strength to strength; already
other Childline centres are talking about instituting
similar programmes. Of course, my wish would be
to see a programme like this in place for all
mothers, for all caregivers, for all fathers,
working or otherwise. But - even though this is
a small beginning, it’s going to have a ripple
effect. I know this. Things will change, as long
as we keep working for change.
For further information, contact the Childline
Centre on
+27 (0)21 762 8198 |
